Who Am I Now?

I hurt myself today











To see if I still                                     feel... 









                                                                                                                                                I focus on the pain





The                                  only                       thing that's...                                                     real




The 


 
                       needle 



                                                           tears 



                                                                                         a 



                                                                                                                           hole




The old familiar sting-
 






Try to                                           kill it all                                                                                                               --away






But I remember...
 





                                      









                                                                                                                                                                -e-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g-












What have I become?

I will let you down... 
                                    ... 
                                        ... 
                                             ... 
                                                   ... 
                                                        ... 


                                                                                                                                                         I will make you hurt

I wear this crown of SHIT









Upon my liar's chair

















Full of                                            -broken-                                                                                                 thoughts...













The feelings
                             
                              d             i             s               a                p               p                e             a                  r












I am still right 








                                                                                                                                 --------------------------------->here





























What have I become?

So sue me I was busy. =)
Anyways, today I'm running a lil behind (again). It's because I've got a whole new factor in my day today seeing as how I'm going to be bringing my table to work. some of the doctors want me to hook them up (not for free of course). It makes me happy knowing that I have this skill and I was thinking for a while that maybe I could use it again to work part time if I got up enough clients. But then again, the economy isn't doing so well so I wonder how long people are going to be able to afford therapists. There's always something I guess, and it can't really hurt to try.
In more other news, we just had our second night of our CO visit and it was sooooooo encouraging. It really helped me to make a push to get out in street work this morning and now I'm thinking of taking up spanish again. I think I might be able to pull it off actually. Anyways, I'm just getting more and more late now, gotta go. Tell you how the massage thing went later.

Well, it's been a while since I updated. I even graduated since I last posted. Neat.
In any case, this is the first day of the week that I'm updating. I hope to update every day for this next week just to kinda get my thinking back in line and to reflect what I've been thinking of. I don't have much to say at this point but I will probably add more to this post by the time the day is over.
Over and out.

I'm really tired this morning. I mean, I'm awake and everything but my whole body just feels so tired. Trying to worry about myself along with everyone else just hurts and hurts and hurts. Why can't it just be simple again?
Why can't my biggest issue be when I can date?
There's so much I just want to forget about and then I hate myself for thinking that I should just try to forget about it. Today, I'm not sad. Evrything seems like it's pretty far away, fuzzy almost, I feel like I've lost my concentration and I desperately want it back. What was I focusing on before that kept all my attention here?
I seems like I had my head in the sand just trying to get through day by day, not really talking to my mom or my family all that much. Just at school, then at work, then at meeting or in service and THEN meeting and all the errands to run and the good friends to hang out with. I guess I knew that there were things going on all along but I just was too busy to aknowledge them. I don't know what changed and made me aware of what is going on, but I wish that it hadn't happened.
And I feel guilty for that.

But that's pretty much every day since March began. I'm determined to make my hours this month even though a have a whole weekend less. All that means is that I don't have time to slack off this month; when I say that I have to get up at 5am, I have to do it no matter how much I want to go back to sleep.
In any case, so far so good. I have 12 hours to date and hopefully by the end of this week I'll have 24-26.
In more other news, I'm broke. But then again, so is everybody else :) yay. Nathan finally got his truck and I'm sooooooooooooooooooooooo happy for you! I know how much you've been wanting that thing so I'm going to try really really really hard to be more thrifty with my money so that things will work out for us without a problem in the nearer and nearer future.
Also, instead of making a picnic for lunch for everyone, I'm thinking of making it breakfast instead. I'll just bake a bunch of blueberry muffins and maybe buy some fruit and orange juice and cups or something and just bring em' which means I have to go out three days this week to make up for the streetwork that I'd be missing to make the muffins early enough. I need feedback for that idea though.
Also, I wanted to say THANK YOU! to Hilary for keeping me company in street work on Sunday *claps*


random thought of the day: china is like a prison made into a country.

Car
Gas
Rent
Cell phone
Insurance (car)
Gas, electric, water
Groceries
Entertainment
Out to eat
Clothing
Savings
Random occurences
(car troubles, misc. credit cards, car registration, emergencies)
Nothings
(stuff that we really don't NEED but WANT)


Anything else? I can't think of any.



Random thought of the day: Cheezits are very salty.

All of the sudden, I'm really hoping that I can work at the place that I'm interning at. I need the experience (not to mention the money) and while I'm getting that year's experience, I can take continuining education classes to make myself even MORE valuable and in a year, I can take my RDA test and be even MORE valuable and finally find a better place that will pay me more by the time I get married.
That's a lot to accomplish in a year I think. I wonder how I'm going to do it AND pioneer without going crazy or burning out. First, I have to see if I can handle it and then worry about burn out later.
It's April 2nd and I'm hoping that this month will be the month of my ultimate triumph over my worst habits. A new month, a new start. We'll see how this one treats me.


Random thought of the day: "All the songs by Jack Johnson sound pretty much the same"

My Personality

Neuroticism	54
Extraversion	9
Openness to Experience	24
Agreeableness	58
Conscientiousness	57

You rarely get angry and it takes a lot to make you angry, however you are sensitive about what others think of you. Your concern about rejection and ridicule cause you to feel shy and uncomfortable around others. You are easily embarrassed and often feel ashamed. Your fears that others will criticize or make fun of you are exaggerated and unrealistic, but your awkwardness and discomfort may make these fears a self-fulfilling prophecy. People generally perceive you as distant and reserved, and you do not usually reach out to others. You tend not to express your emotions openly and are sometimes not even aware of your own feelings. You are mostly a compassionate person, however you prefer to make objective judgments when possible, however you feel superior to those around you and sometimes tend to be seen as arrogant by other people. You take your time when making decisions and will deliberate on all the possible consequences and alternatives.

Take a Personality Test now or view the full Personality Report. PureAwakening Jewelry.

Omg this morning I think I experienced "burn out". I couldn't get up for street work AND I couldn't get up for school either. So I was late... but I still finished my test first. Woo!
Also, what else is good about today is that the most annoying and obnoxious girl I've ever had the displeasure of meeting is graduating today! I never have to see her face again!!! I am just bubbling over with glee.
Also, my determination has been set in stone. I'm not going to worry about jobs. I'm going to tell my boss what my conditions are and if he doesn't like them, he can go squeeze some rocks for all I care. I'll then continue looking for other job opportunities and I just know that I'll find one. Nobody is going to make me feel bad about my decisions (like Kathy tried to this morning. I don't blame her, she thinks that she's doing the best for me).
Gawd I'm starving...

I was in street work with Charlie and Katrina and we were talking about our ages. I said that when I was 4, I never dreamed that I'd be lookin at 21 and Charlie was like "wait, you're not 21 yet right?" and I said "No, July 5" and he said "Yeah, I was thinking, we didn't take her out yet!"
I really hope they mean that.